Monday, March 2, 2009
Bizarro has been brang to you today by Hometown News.
Sorry I have been remiss in my posting duties for the past few days, I have been visiting the home front in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Had a ding dang devil of a time getting here, we made the mistake of booking our flight on Delta through Atlanta, something we had sworn we would never do again about five years ago when stranded there for 7 hours. Our flight was late leaving NYC because of weather in Atlanta, but we were assured our connecting flight to the Indian Territory would also be delayed and we would have no trouble making it.
Like the serpent in the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, they lied. Our flight arrived in Atlanta one hour later than scheduled, our connecting flight to Tulsa actually left five minutes before scheduled. Lo and behold, there were no more flights that night, so we had the pleasure of spending the night at an airport hotel without any luggage. Did Delta pay for this inconvenience? Certainly not. They don't pay for delays caused by weather. How do we know our delay was actually caused by weather and not some ineptitude on their part? They assured us it was so.
Next morning, we arose at dawn to grab an early flight to T-Town, I was scheduled to perform at a fund raiser brunch that very morning. We arrived on time and rushed to the baggage claim area. As the bags began to be shat out of the bowels of the airport, we and our fellow passengers could not help but notice they were accompanied by an unusual amount of moisture. All the bags were soaked through, completely, as though submerged in a tank at Sea World overnight. Nearest anyone could tell, the rocket scientists at Delta's Atlanta baggage handling unit had left our luggage out in the rain all night long.
CHNW and I arrived at the brunch not wearing the clothes we had brought for the occasion, as it was dripping wet, but in the crumbled comfy crap we had worn for the flight. Joy.
Our troubles ended here, fortunately. The fund raiser was wonderful, everyone was nice as cherry pie, the audience was happy and tweaked on mimosas, and the show went great. After, we went to my parents house and dumped all out clothes into the dryer. Thankfully, we didn't have any "dry clean only" clothing in our suitcases or Delta would be buying us some new clothes. (Yes, I'm sure it's real easy file that claim and receive compensation.)
I began the show Saturday morning with the story of my travel woes, accompanied by a huge graphic project on the wall, "DELTA SUCKS!"
Today I visited my old high school and spoke to a few hundred kids in the auditorium. I mostly passed on wisdom such as, "it's true, you will never need algebra," and "the planet will no longer be suitable for human inhabitation in the very near future, so don't worry about those grades." They're good kids and I have no doubt that many will manage to stay out of jail for a good long time.
From there, I swung by my niece's elementary school on the other end of town to tell the first and second grade classes to "just say no to drugs." Many seemed to take my advice to heart, others looked a little too glassy-eyed to understand what I was saying.
I will likely not post again until Thursday morning. Thanks for your readership, see you then.
Reporting live from The Coffee House on Cherry Street, Tulsa, Oklahoma, this is
Danny "Chuckwagon" Piraro